an ampersand in the Empire of Signs

With the latest addition to our family--a cute little 20-inch Toshiba television--a new temptation sits in the corner of our living room. We originally bought the television after too many nights of sitting uncomfortably around my computer trying to watch some movies. Austerity is one thing, but considering the pressures of Andrey's job, we decided that it's important to be able to come home after ten or eleven hours of work and just veg out for a bit in front of the TV.

For me, however, the television is just one more thing to distract me from more productive pursuits. Since I am working from home on some freelance projects, it requires quite a bit of will-power not to flip on the TV. I know many people like having it on as background noise, but for me that background noise too easily becomes foreground procrastination. I watched more than my fair share of afternoon reruns and prime time shows growing up, most of which, in retrospect, were fairly lame. In fact, I think most TV shows have gotten worse--especially the sitcom genre.

And so I am keenly aware of the dangers of having the TV around, and I try to keep my watching under control. There is, however, one show that has got me hooked, adding me to the ranks of the daytime TV addicts.

When I first saw Starting Over, an NBC production, I was rather skeptical. This daily program shows the lives of six women who have chosen to live in a house in the hills outside of LA. Under scrutiny of the TV cameras, they must address head on personal problems that are preventing them from living a meaningful, more-or-less normal life. Each woman has her own issue, but living together is part of the therapy. Three life coaches provide them individual and group guidance. Their continued residence in the house depends on their willingness and commitment to the process.

Initially, Starting Over seemed like one more twist on the reality TV genre--a genre that just won't die. Even worse, I thought it was another shallow, saccharine application of self-help pop psychology offering quick fixes to deep-seated psychological problems. Neither the participants nor viewers are well-served when TV "experts" dish out superficial advice geared primarily towards boosting ratings or their own book sales.

Starting Over often was on TV at the same time I was at the gym doing my cardio routine. Since my choices were usually either FOX News, ESPN, some horrid soap opera, or Starting Over, I would invariably settle on Starting Over. The more I watched the show, the more I realized there is more to it than a cheap Dr. Phil moment. Now watching Starting Over is part of my morning routine--for better or for worse--which I can continue as long as I don't have regular employment.

What's the appeal of a reality TV show about six women trying to put their lives back together, especially for a young man who is clearly not the target demographic of this program?

As I watch the show, it has been compelling to get caught up in the personal struggles of each woman. The more I watch the show, the more depth each individual gains as a character. Accordingly, the more interested I become in their progress.

The struggles are real. Very little is white-washed or glossed over, and you get to see each woman's successes and failures. When someone backslides, there of course is a somewhat morbid interest in their fate, but their progress can be inspiring, too.

I imagine that part of the appeal of this show is not just detached interest. The intimacy of the show creates vulnerability, and you are drawn into the world of these women, who are living together in a house as they go through psychological boot camp. Ultimately, in the quirks of these women are not unfamiliar. We see ourselves in their struggles. Let me eliminate the "Royal We." I see myself, my neuroses and my shortcomings.

The life coaches rip off the masks of denial and deception to expose painful truths. I watch and think about my own fears and masks. On the one hand, I am petrified at the thought that someone might force me to confront my self-deception--on national TV no less. But it is also exhilarating--the thought of penetrating that deeply into a level of self-understanding and awareness.

There is a certain integrity to the show. There are no easy fixes for these women. They must commit themselves to months of hard work and soul searching. The life coaches show that the process is frightening and sometimes painful. Most importantly, self-awareness and the resulting contentment can only come through consistent, honest, truthful hard work. This is more than you get from an hour with Dr. Phil or Oprah.

Some aspects of the show make me uncomfortable, but I suspect these are the limitations of the format. As viewers, we only see the "entertaining" moments of therapy. We see tears, fighting, bonding. We see interesting therapeutic tools, such as art projects or other exercise. What bothers me most is that many of the sessions with the life coaches focus on them giving the answers to the women. These make for nice sagely words of wisdom on daytime TV, but I'm not sure that it portrays an accurate picture of psychotherapy. My impression is that good therapists first listen, second ask questions that guide the individual to the truth, and only third state the problem clearly if and only if the individual hasn't really come to grips with the truth. I know there are different schools of psychoanalysis, but I thought that this was pretty common across methodologies. But long sessions "on the couch" don't make for good television.

In a way, Starting Over is my cheap form of therapy. My vicarious identification with the housemates brings attention to my shortcomings and at least makes me think about what I might do differently. Though we should shy away from universal prescriptions, the life coaches do offer some good strategies for peeling away our psychic layers to get to the heart of the matter.

At the end of the day, of course, it is incumbent upon me to move beyond vicariousness to active transformation. Rationalization of self-deceit is perhaps the most common trait of these women, and probably most people in general. But unlike these women, I don't have a life coach to hold me accountable and to challenge my deceptions. Like these women, the ultimate responsibility to change is mine, but sometimes it would be nice to have the external, objective voice to keep me on track.

And on that note, with the tube turned off, let's see what else I can get done today. Let's see if I can make every moment a Starting Over moment, full of awareness and right intention followed by right action.

Tags: Starting Over, psychology, television

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